Kenny and Merkel at odds over where to spend Christmas

Angela - What's wrong with Hamburg?!

The blossoming relationship between Enda Kenny and Angela Merkel has hit its first speedbump as the two are rumoured to be in disagreement about where to spend Christmas this year. 

Having spent previous Christmases apart with their own families the couple now feel that their relationship is at the stage where they should spend the holiday together. However, a rift has developed between the two as Angela wishes to stay in Hamburg while Enda favours a traditional Castlebar Christmas.

Enda - Come to Castlebar you sexy divil.

Furious negotiations between the two parties have continued over the past few weeks, with Enda said to be unleashing his notorious charm offensive while Angela deploys her infamous cold shoulder tactics.  

Both sides are publicly trying to play down the spat but, with Angela reportedly spending the week at her sister's house and a bestubbled Enda spotted shopping for one in Tesco, this relationship, like the Eurozone that spawned it, looks to be very much on the rocks.

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Govt sells national naming rights; raises vital funds for exchequer

Guinness Island launch at the Gravity Bar

The Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore has announced that the government has sold Ireland's naming rights to corporate drinks giant Diageo in a deal thought to be worth up to €50 million annually. At a glitzy launch event held at the Gravity Bar Mr. Gilmore revealed that the naming rights will be held by Diageo for a period not less than 30 years and that Ireland will henceforth be known as Guinness Island. 

Mr. Gilmore accepts first symbolic payment

Mr. Gilmore said that the government had received significant bids for the naming rights from other corporate interests but Diageo had offered Ireland a "satisfactory and comfortable brand image through its Guinness connotations. Not only will we earn money by selling the naming rights, we will also save money by no longer having to promote 'Ireland' as a separate brand to Guinness. The two brands will finally be completely synonymous and this can only be a good thing for Guinness Island's economy."

The new national flag

As part of the deal the Irish Guinness Island tricolour will now carry the Guinness logo and Irish passports will be black in colour with 'Ireland' being replaced by 'Guinness' on the cover. The harp will remain, due to its common prominent place in both brands. Irish sports teams will also now play in the traditional black and white colours of Guinness, with the green strip being used as an away jersey only when necessary. Arthur's Day will become an official national holiday, as will the following day - National Hangover Day.

Tommy Bowe shows off the national rugby shirt

The sale of the national naming rights is the brainchild of the Minister for Innovation Richard Bruton, who pointed to the successful rebranding of The Aviva Stadium, The O² Theatre and the Bord Gais Energy Theatre as the inspiration behind the initiative. "The people of Guinness Island have shown their willingness to accept the rebranding of national icons to the point that geographical reference is no longer necessary and rebranding the country was the next logical step in the government's plan to pay back our debt," said Mr. Bruton. 

The motion to rebrand the country was swiftly and unanimously passed in the Dáil last Tuesday evening before all TDs retired to the Dáil bar where, allegedly, all slates have been wiped clean. One Dáil wag, who declined to be named, defended the sale of the naming rights thus: "Sure we've already sold our souls to Diageo, we may as well get paid for it."

In an act of defiance against the national rebranding, Cork County Council has sold the county's naming rights to Heineken, the owner of Murphy's Stout, and will now be rebranded as The People's Republic of Murphy's. Other counties are expected to follow suit.

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Pressure on Government to legislate for terminations

The events of the past couple of weeks have brought the issue of proper regulation to a head and the government is now under serious pressure to bring clarity to the law surrounding the regulation of the banks. Ever since the news broke that Finance Minister Michael Noonan's hands were tied in relation to the pay of top bank executives there has been widespread condemnation of the lack of legislation for the termination of non-viable banks in cases where they threaten the well-being of their economy.

The government has been sitting on its hands ever since the famous 'A' Case in 2009, when a Finance Minister was unable to terminate a non-viable bank even though it brought untold pain to its already suffering economy. This was soon followed by the similar 'AIB' and 'BoI' cases, yet despite all of these unfortunate events, and the obvious need for regulation, last week we found ourselves back in familiar territory when it was revealed that top executives in a bank associated with the 'A' Case were receiving salaries of over €500,000 but the Finance Minister was again powerless to terminate their contracts.

Last week's events brought pro-economy demonstrators to the streets in protest at the government's reluctance to bring clarity to the legislation governing the regulation of the banks. A candle-light vigil was held in memory of the Celtic Tiger economy, one of the many boom economies that died as a result of insufficient bank regulation. The pro-economists claim that if the government doesn't act now future economies will be put in danger and a clear message will be sent out that the government values the banks more than it does the well-being of the economy. 

Conversely, the pro-bankers have claimed that the pro-economists have hijacked the recent pay scandal to satisfy their own agenda. The pro-bankers claim that there is sufficient legislation in place to regulate the banks and any further liberalisation of the laws would result in a free-for-all where banks could be discarded "willy-nilly".

Meanwhile, Sinn Féin has been quick to act on the issue, with deputy leader Mary Lou McBandwagon announcing that the party will bring a motion in the Dáil regarding bank regulation. She is scheduled to appear on Tonight with Vincent Browne to discuss the issue, where it is widely expected that Mr. Browne will completely ignore anything she has to say and instead overtly ridicule her for having no credibility whatsoever.   

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The message is clear, the law is not.

Regardless of one's views on abortion the time has come to bring clarity to the law. The people have spoken. 

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We're all over the Social Meeja...

Just to let you know, The Foraging Ireland is on Twitter & Facebook too, if you have an inclination to keep track of us:

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Postcard Protest - Invite Them Home

People have been receiving free postcards to send to family and friends abroad to invite them home for The Gathering. If this sticks in your craw, as it does in ours, perhaps you'd like to take part in a small protest?

We're trying to encourage people to send their free Gathering postcards, en masse, to people who really deserve them: The Tax Cheats.

Some likely contenders include Bono & JP McManus but we're looking for suggestions, then we'll compile a list, obtain postal addresses for them (legally, hopefully) and people can send off the postcards as they wish.

Please help us share this idea! Tweet it, Like it, Share it, email it, get it out there! Thanks.

Government clarifies stance on Emigration

Government proposes Irish driving license agreement with Canadian cities - Sunday Times 11/11/12

Eamon Gilmore signs working holiday agreement with Canadian immigration minister - Irish Times 5/10/12

Enda Kenny launches The Exodus Ireland 2013 emigration initiative - The Foraging Ireland 7/11/12

Corrections & Clarifications

In a previous article we wrongly accused John Waters of being a "greasy-haired weirdo". He is, in fact, a lanky-haired weirdo. 

The Foraging Ireland apologises for any confusion this may have caused. 

Irish Media incredulous at Electorate's capacity to think for themselves

Average 'No' Voter

The Irish Media was today trying to come to terms with the fact that 42% of the electorate defied conventional wisdom and voted against the Children Referendum. This comes despite a Yes campaign that was supported by all Dáil political parties, various children's charities, and Denis O'Brien Inc. while the No campaign was led by a bunch of delusional crackpots and professional soap box merchants. And Dana.

In a display of arrogance that would put Pádraig Flynn to shame, members of the media have been displaying their incredulity at the high No vote. Some have even gone so far as to describe No voters as "weird" and "uninformed". A nationwide inquisition is being planned to root out the fascist No voters and bring them to summary justice. 

It was no surprise that the highest proportion of subversive degenerates appears to be residing in Donegal, while in Cavan-Monaghan Sean Quinn received 57% of the vote and was deemed to be elected. The high No vote has led to much puzzlement within the media in general, which had predicted an overwhelming Yes vote based on the principle that a No vote was a vote in favour of child abuse and neglect. 

Waters - Brainwasher

John Waters, an advocate for the No vote and suspected child abuser, has come in for much scrutiny as to his motives. Some believe he was trying to rekindle a decades-old love affair with Dana, others suspect his motives were far less perverse. Either way, this greasy-haired weirdo will have to explain how he managed to brainwash 445,853 people into voting No.

With a legal challenge against the result expected shortly this story is likely to run and run, much like a 1960s Irish child trying to escape a parochial house. 

 Breaking News  Fianna Fáil offers John Waters position on party elections committee...