Boost for Irish Mining Sector as Dirt Values Explode

Minister Alan 'Bull' Shatter shows two child miners where they'll be working
The mining industry in Ireland has received a much-needed boost with a series of investments in mining operations nationwide. The mineral in question, Dirt, has been in high demand recently and the race is now on to harvest the remaining untapped reserves of the resource in constituencies across the country.

After initially trying to sell off the mining rights to a multinational corporation for a song, the government was forced to backtrack when they realised that the resource holds no international value whatsoever and can only be exploited on a domestic, and parochial, level. It is, as yet, unclear what the real value of the mineral is to the ordinary Irish people but that appears to be of little significance as the frenzy around the Dirtrush intensifies.

New mining & drilling operations have sprung up in various parts of the country, including a large open cast mine in the Phoenix Park, home of the Garda National Headquarters, which is expected to have a massive Dirt yield. Elsewhere, after a ferocious bidding war, it is understood that business baron Denis O'Brien has secured the mining rights in the bountiful constituency of Tipperary North. 

Environmental groups have expressed serious concerns about the long term side-effects of the mining boom, especially the potential visual scarring of the landscape. Speaking yesterday, Minister Alan 'Bull' Shatter, a recent beneficiary and victim of the Dirtrush, dismissed the environmental concerns out of hand and claimed the government had a plan in place. However, Minister Bull Shatter refused to either confirm or deny that this plan would involve the backfilling of the mines with another toxic political byproduct: The vast quantities of empty unfulfilled promises left over from past and future general elections. 




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Paul Williams revealed as Gangland Kingpin

Criminal Mastermind - Paul 'Top Tout' Williams
The Foraging Ireland can now exclusively reveal the vicious thug responsible for Ireland's current wave of gangland crime – Paul 'Top Tout' Williams. Gardaí have long suspected that an unknown kingpin was pulling the strings in Gangland but The Irish Sun journalist's role was only recently uncovered after a thorough and courageous investigation carried out by this writer.
In a case of fact being stranger fiction, Williams' story is not unlike that of the film The Departed. Back in the early 90s the prolific Dublin criminal Martin 'The General' Cahill recognised the power of the media and recruited Williams, then a low-level street thug, to attend a couple of journalism courses before getting him a job, through torture and intimidation, at the Sunday World.

Cahill intended to use Williams to misdirect the Gardaí and rival gangs by planting false stories in the national newspaper. The crime columns were also used to promote Cahill's image of being an “ordinary decent criminal”. But when The General was slaughtered in a hail of bullets in 1994 Williams found himself trapped in his job as a journalist because no one but Cahill knew Top Tout's true identity.

However, Williams soon realised how profitable crime-writing could be in its own right and successfully kept his criminal persona a secret while he expertly played criminal factions against each other using his regular crime columns and subsequent books. It is believed that journalist Veronica Guerin was close to revealing Top Tout's identity in 1996 when she was brutally murdered by John Gilligan's gang after Williams gave them accurate details of her diary and movements.
Williams swiftly replaced Guerin as top dog at the Sunday World and set about creating the cult of Gangland by giving Ireland's criminals the one thing they craved the most but couldn't buy or steal: notoriety. Using his columns he built up the profiles of various lowlifes and drug dealers, knowing that the more he wrote about them the bigger a target they would become. This cunning tactic resulted in a high turnover rate of gangland figures as jealous gang rivals murderously scrambled to get their names in the headlines. Top Tout had hit the big time.
In a bizarre twist, Williams' true identity was revealed not by the Gardaí that he so closely associated with but by the vigilence of this writer. I had noticed discrepancies in Williams' writing – frequent misspellings, poor syntax, indiscriminate punctuation – that suggested he couldn't possibly be a professional writer. When this writer bravely confronted Williams with the overwhelming evidence against him Top Tout broke down and admitted his guilt but fled the country before he could be apprehended by the Gardaí. The grisly reign of Paul 'Top Tout' Williams was over.

*At the time of writing it is believed that Paul Williams is living in Spain and is currently working on one last big heist before he disappears for good: He's writing his memoirs.






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Dáil Éireann Announces Amnesty on Broken Pre-election Promises

The Ceann Comhairle of Dáil Éireann has declared an amnesty on all political promises made before the last general election. The amnesty, which runs until until the Dáil reconvenes later this month, allows parliamentary parties to present unfulfilled pre-election promises and downright lies for decommissioning, thereby putting them beyond use by opposition parties.

It is estimated that almost 97% of speaking time in the Dáil is spent on accusations and counter-accusations of hypocrisy. It is hoped that by allowing the political parties to formally put aside their pre-election promises they can move on from the pretence of actually representing the electorate and instead focus on the real work of securing allowances, expenses and pensions for themselves.

The Labour Party will undoubtedly gain the most from the amnesty but there are some doubts as to whether the party will have enough time to offload its vast catalogue of broken election promises before the deadline expires. There are rumours of a compromise whereby if Labour fails to decommission all of its promises in time it can simply decommission Eamon Gilmore in lieu.

Sinn Féin is no stranger to the decommissioning process and is expected to waste no time admitting that most of its T.D.s are in fact mass-murdering terrorists. The party is still reeling from the embarrassing revelation that Dublin North-West T.D. Dessie Ellis is linked to only 50 murders, an astonishingly low figure that is expected to seriously damage the party's street cred.

Bertie Ahern moments before the Bank Bailout
Fianna Fáil intends to decommission its assertion that the party is not exactly the same as the one that rode Ireland head first into the recession. The party has taken the opportunity to release some previously unseen images of Bertie Ahern in the weeks prior to the bank bailout which will also now be put beyond use by the opposition.

Fine Gael will take this opportunity to finally decommission James Reilly.






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Supermarket Scramble

Here's our alternative take on supermarket branding, consider it a guide to saving money on your shopping!







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'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and the country was creaking
From the havoc and turmoil the budget was wreaking
When Gilmore and Labour betrayed those who care
And shifted the boundaries of what they call fair.

At this time of year the 'Joy holds no white collars
Whose weapons of treason were Euros and Dollars.
If only those bankers had fiddled in garlic
For the lack of swift justice is making us all sick.

Our emigrants return and their families rejoice
During this brief respite from Noonan's "Lifestyle Choice".
Yet Michael's cuts limit the options before us,
Making "Hell or To Connacht" start to seem generous.

But now let us hope that in this festive season
Our leaders reflect and begin to see reason,
And think of the needy, the poor, the hard-pressed,
Whose burden is mighty, whose lives are distressed.

May they think with their hearts and ignore the strict German,
Who compounds a harsh bailout with sermon, after sermon.
We're tired of being good boys and doing what we're told,
Grow a pair Enda, be courageous, be bold!

Next year the diaspora will come for The Gathering,
Let's hope it is meaningful, that the people are welcoming.
Please Leo stop saying "Give our coffers a boost"
Lest rumours of a scam come home to roost.

But now let's be festive and try to unwind,
Think not of those fools who put us in this bind.
It can't last forever, may the end come in sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.






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Vintage Irish Tourism Posters


To view a larger version click here






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The Gathering Booklist

It looks as though there will be quite a few people coming to Ireland for The Gathering next year after all. Putting our misgivings about the project to the side for a moment, we thought it might be nice to put together a "required reading" list for members of the diaspora coming here to trace their Irish roots or find out if they belong. 

We're looking for suggestions about books that tackle the themes of Irishness, emigration and belonging. If they hit on all three themes that's great but two out of three ain't bad. We'll start the ball rolling by suggesting two books from one of our favourite authors, Pete McCarthy:




Born in England to an Irish mother, McCarthy spent his childhood summers in West Cork. In these two books he travels around Ireland and the rest of the world exploring the Irish side of his heritage in a bid to find out if Ireland is the country where he belongs.












We'd like to hear about other books that might fit the bill so please get in touch with us:

Email your suggestions to: theforagingireland@gmail.com

Leave a comment on our Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Foraging-Ireland

Tweet us your suggestion: @ForagingIreland
 





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Winning the Poo - A positive guide to potty training


Although nappies are cosy and catch all your poo
It's high time that you learned how to use the loo
We'll start with the potty to ease you in gently
Then once you've that mastered you're ready for entry
To the glistening tiled kingdom you'll soon inherit
Where flushing and washing are duties of merit
At first you might struggle to go on your own
But before long you'll be a master of the throne.







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Rabbitte claims puppy just for Christmas after all

Rabbitte - Puppy was a handful
The Minister for Straight Shooting Pat Rabbitte has launched a stinging attack on the naivety of the Irish people after the Labour Party admitted that it has discarded the puppy that it bought last Christmas. Speaking on RTE's The Week in Politics Mr. Rabbitte defended Labour's failure to look after the puppy and blamed its previous owners for the situation.

 "Before we bought the puppy we fully intended to look after it for the rest of its life," said Mr. Rabbitte. "However, what we couldn't have predicted was how badly the puppy had been treated by its previous owners and, considering the emaciated condition in which the dog arrived, we feel that we've actually done a very good job in looking after him for as long as we did."

 Mr. Rabbitte was then asked if he understood what kind of message this sends out about the Labour Party and its ability to fulfil its own commitments:

 "Now, look here. Everyone wants to believe that a puppy is for life, not just for Christmas, but the stark reality is that once you own the puppy you have to feed it, wash it, clean up after it, take it for walks. Then the puppy grows up and becomes even more of a handful. The Labour Party couldn't have predicted it would have to deal with all these things."

 Mr. Rabbitte was then questioned about how the Labour Party had gotten rid of the dog:
Labour Puppy - Moving to Canada
"Well we started to reduce its food in tiny increments until eventually it only had barely enough to survive. Then we started taxing the dog's water. We forced the dog to sleep outside in a cold shed and then we slapped a property tax on the shed too. The dog paid its taxes through its food allowance. We also started to use subliminal messaging to suggest to the dog that it might find a better life elsewhere. Eventually the dog just left us; it was essentially a lifestyle choice."





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Christmas in jeopardy as elves stage sit-in protest

[This article first appeared in The Spanner Magazine Christmas Edition]

Thousands of workers at the largest toy manufacturing facility in the North Pole have locked themselves inside the factory in protest at what they consider to be “grossly unfair redundancy packages.” Almost 3,000 elves were let go from the plant last month as part of a swathe of cost-cutting measures being implemented by The Toy Company Ltd.'s receivers KPMG.

KPMG took over the manufacturing section of the company when the owner, Santa Claus, was unable to repay debts on the international property portfolio he had accumulated during the boom years. Mr. Claus still maintains control of the distribution section of the company, although with the production of toys currently at a standstill it is doubtful that there will be any presents to distribute this Christmas.

Elves - Demanding fair treatment
The elves barricaded themselves inside the factory last month and have vowed to stay there “as long as it takes.” Some of them spoke to reporters through the barricades: “I've worked here for 400 years,” said one elf,” and they're only offering me half of what I'm entitled to through statutory redundancy.” Another elf remarked, “I'm 650 years old next week, I've worked for Mr. Claus all my life. How is someone my age supposed to retrain in the computers or internetwork?”

The local community in the North Pole has given its unconditional backing to the elves and Mr. Claus. A rally is being organised for next week so that local people can show their support for the Claus family, who claim they have been demonised by the Arctic Circle media. “The Clauses built up their business from nothing and created jobs in the North Pole when there was nothing here but snow and misery. They should be left alone,” commented a local reindeer, who refused to be named.

Santa - Feeling the strain
Residents of the wider Arctic Circle have derided the “gombeen antics” of those in the North Pole: “Everyone in the Arctic Circle is paying for what Santa Claus did. He gambled in the property market and now we're all paying for his bailout. He should be ashamed: They should all be ashamed,” said one angry polar bear.

Mr. Claus would not comment on the issue as he continues his boycott of the media but sources close to him have said that he has become withdrawn lately, spending hours alone in his study, drinking hot whiskies and listening to Fairytale of New York on repeat.






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Labour look to Mayans for excuse to avoid Budget vote

Mayan apocalypse could be Labour's salvation
Labour backbenchers have put forward a motion in the Dáil to delay the vote on Budget 2013 until after December 21st, to see how the Mayan predictions of an apocalypse play out. They hope that if the world does indeed end on that date they can at least preserve their integrity and avoid displaying their complete lack of backbone.

Eamon 'Frankfurt' Gilmore
Labour TDs have faced a wave of criticism since the budget was announced, with party members forced to defend leader Eamon Gilmore's climbdown from his pre-election stance of "Labour's way or Frankfurt's way." Labour TDs have been quick to point out that Mr. Gilmore hadn't actually indicated at the time which direction he was going to follow, or whether both paths ran parallel to each other and led to the same destination. 

Last week's budget revealed the Labour Party to be just as toothless a lapdog as its predecessor in government The Green Party. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter whether you vote Red or Green; they're all Yellow in the end.






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What is the Gathering 2013 all about?

A short compilation of explanations from Minister for Tourism Leo Varadkar & Project Director of The Gathering Jim Miley.







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The Foraging Ireland Alternative Budget

Seeing as everyone else seems to have put forward an utterly pointless alternative budget we decided to have a go at our own one. Here's what we've come up with:

  Irony Tax  There are so many ironies knocking about these days that we think they could turn a tidy profit if they're taxed. Examples include: Michael O'Leary accusing others of ripping people off; a government inviting the Irish abroad home next year, at a time when emigration is at its highest in decades; a Labour party agreeing to slash social welfare benefits while failing to tax the wealthy (as promised). 

  Cliché Tax  We feel that, in light of the current economic climate, resulting from the mistakes of the previous administration, and with our hands tied, depending on Frankfurt, going forward, that a tax on clichés could only be profitable for the exchequer.

  Sacred Cows  There are now so many sacred cows around the country that if they were rabbits we'd be considering the reintroduction of Myxomatosis. Our alternative is to sell our vast stock of sacred cows to a country that would really appreciate them: India. A tasty profit is guaranteed.

  The Table  In the run-up to a budget where there appear to be more topics off the table than on it, we have to call into question the viability of the table itself. A vote will be held on whether to sell the table or chop it up and use it as firewood to help heat the country through the fast-approaching bleak winter months.

  Ireland's Naming Rights  If you haven't already read about the government selling the naming rights of Ireland to Diageo, please do so: Govt sells national naming rights; raises vital funds for exchequer.




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Kenny and Merkel at odds over where to spend Christmas

Angela - What's wrong with Hamburg?!
The blossoming relationship between Enda Kenny and Angela Merkel has hit its first speedbump as the two are rumoured to be in disagreement about where to spend Christmas this year. 

Having spent previous Christmases apart with their own families the couple now feel that their relationship is at the stage where they should spend the holiday together. However, a rift has developed between the two as Angela wishes to stay in Hamburg while Enda favours a traditional Castlebar Christmas.
Enda - Come to Castlebar you sexy divil.

 Furious negotiations between the two parties have continued over the past few weeks, with Enda said to be unleashing his notorious charm offensive while Angela deploys her infamous cold shoulder tactics.  

Both sides are publicly trying to play down the spat but, with Angela reportedly spending the week at her sister's house and a bestubbled Enda spotted shopping for one in Tesco, this relationship, like the Eurozone that spawned it, looks to be very much on the rocks.






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Govt sells national naming rights; raises vital funds for exchequer

Guinness Island launch at the Gravity Bar
The Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore has announced that the government has sold Ireland's naming rights to corporate drinks giant Diageo in a deal thought to be worth up to €50 million annually. At a glitzy launch event held at the Gravity Bar Mr. Gilmore revealed that the naming rights will be held by Diageo for a period not less than 30 years and that Ireland will henceforth be known as Guinness Island. 

Mr. Gilmore accepts first symbolic payment
Mr. Gilmore said that the government had received significant bids for the naming rights from other corporate interests but Diageo had offered Ireland a "satisfactory and comfortable brand image through its Guinness connotations. Not only will we earn money by selling the naming rights, we will also save money by no longer having to promote 'Ireland' as a separate brand to Guinness. The two brands will finally be completely synonymous and this can only be a good thing for Guinness Island's economy."

The new national flag
As part of the deal the Irish Guinness Island tricolour will now carry the Guinness logo and Irish passports will be black in colour with 'Ireland' being replaced by 'Guinness' on the cover. The harp will remain, due to its common prominent place in both brands. Irish sports teams will also now play in the traditional black and white colours of Guinness, with the green strip being used as an away jersey only when necessary. Arthur's Day will become an official national holiday, as will the following day - National Hangover Day.

Tommy Bowe shows off the national rugby shirt
The sale of the national naming rights is the brainchild of the Minister for Innovation Richard Bruton, who pointed to the successful rebranding of The Aviva Stadium, The O² Theatre and the Bord Gais Energy Theatre as the inspiration behind the initiative. "The people of Guinness Island have shown their willingness to accept the rebranding of national icons to the point that geographical reference is no longer necessary and rebranding the country was the next logical step in the government's plan to pay back our debt," said Mr. Bruton. 

The motion to rebrand the country was swiftly and unanimously passed in the Dáil last Tuesday evening before all TDs retired to the Dáil bar where, allegedly, all slates have been wiped clean. One Dáil wag, who declined to be named, defended the sale of the naming rights thus: "Sure we've already sold our souls to Diageo, we may as well get paid for it."

In an act of defiance against the national rebranding, Cork County Council has sold the county's naming rights to Heineken, the owner of Murphy's Stout, and will now be rebranded as The People's Republic of Murphy's. Other counties are expected to follow suit.








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Pressure on Government to legislate for terminations

The events of the past couple of weeks have brought the issue of proper regulation to a head and the government is now under serious pressure to bring clarity to the law surrounding the regulation of the banks. Ever since the news broke that Finance Minister Michael Noonan's hands were tied in relation to the pay of top bank executives there has been widespread condemnation of the lack of legislation for the termination of non-viable banks in cases where they threaten the well-being of their economy.

The government has been sitting on its hands ever since the famous 'A' Case in 2009, when a Finance Minister was unable to terminate a non-viable bank even though it brought untold pain to its already suffering economy. This was soon followed by the similar 'AIB' and 'BoI' cases, yet despite all of these unfortunate events, and the obvious need for regulation, last week we found ourselves back in familiar territory when it was revealed that top executives in a bank associated with the 'A' Case were receiving salaries of over €500,000 but the Finance Minister was again powerless to terminate their contracts.

Last week's events brought pro-economy demonstrators to the streets in protest at the government's reluctance to bring clarity to the legislation governing the regulation of the banks. A candle-light vigil was held in memory of the Celtic Tiger economy, one of the many boom economies that died as a result of insufficient bank regulation. The pro-economists claim that if the government doesn't act now future economies will be put in danger and a clear message will be sent out that the government values the banks more than it does the well-being of the economy. 

Conversely, the pro-bankers have claimed that the pro-economists have hijacked the recent pay scandal to satisfy their own agenda. The pro-bankers claim that there is sufficient legislation in place to regulate the banks and any further liberalisation of the laws would result in a free-for-all where banks could be discarded "willy-nilly".

Meanwhile, Sinn Féin has been quick to act on the issue, with deputy leader Mary Lou McBandwagon announcing that the party will bring a motion in the Dáil regarding bank regulation. She is scheduled to appear on Tonight with Vincent Browne to discuss the issue, where it is widely expected that Mr. Browne will completely ignore anything she has to say and instead overtly ridicule her for having no credibility whatsoever.   




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The message is clear, the law is not.

Regardless of one's views on abortion the time has come to bring clarity to the law. The people have spoken. 






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Manifesto


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We're all over the Social Meeja...

Just to let you know, The Foraging Ireland is on Twitter & Facebook too, if you have an inclination to keep track of us:




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Postcard Protest - Invite Them Home



People have been receiving free postcards to send to family and friends abroad to invite them home for The Gathering. If this sticks in your craw, as it does in ours, perhaps you'd like to take part in a small protest?

 We're trying to encourage people to send their free Gathering postcards, en masse, to people who really deserve them: The Tax Cheats.

 Some likely contenders include Bono & JP McManus but we're looking for suggestions, then we'll compile a list, obtain postal addresses for them (legally, hopefully) and people can send off the postcards as they wish.

 Please help us share this idea! Tweet it, Like it, Share it, email it, get it out there! Thanks.
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